Music + trips

OMG, Ladyhawke has passed M83 on the list of most listened to music for the past three months! It's a total rit de passage or something like it. M83 has been my big love for the past six months more or less but since a while back I've been on the hunt for new music. Hence the fall from first place.

Anyway, what I was really supposed to write is that I'm off to Stockholm in an hour. It's going to be so much fun. I long to see Ida and Bella and my family and old friends I haven't seen in ages. And I have the best soundtrack for the trip!

Photo by Hector Melo A. through Creative Commons (Flickr)

No hope

I don't talk about this much with anyone but I believe very strongly that you get what you think of, feel and believe. It's just to look around you and you'll see what I mean. Relaxed, trustful people that do what they do and don't fret about the future or the past, pretty much are exposed to positive experiences. While people who are scared or angry will get into trouble time after time. I see this every day at my job. Customers who come to the store angry or negative will often find trouble or resistance. It's like they're looking for it and miss out on things that go their way. Where as positive people will shrug their shoulders and move on to better experiences when it rains on them.

Anyway, I notice that I'm not a positive person right now. I really want to be, but it's like something inside me saying: "no, that's bullshit - you know that in the end everything fucks up so you might as well prepare for it". And so it's like moving against a very strong wind. I fight and fight and fight to get somewhere but in the end I have to give up - resistance is too strong.

The reason why I need to write about this now is that I today found out the result of my master's application for the fall. I'm number 12 on the reserve list out of 15 spots. Which means that I'm going nowhere this fall. FUCK.

I can't seem to stop crying. What is the point of even trying when everything is working against me? I was talking to an acquaintance yesterday about how this has not been my year at all so far. She'd been hit by a tram in May and so she agreed, and we decided to hope for a better second half of 2009. Now I can't believe it at all.

Never enough

I know I shouldn't complain about missing out on music since I will be seeing and hearing so much of it live this August (Madonna, Coldplay and then all the fab bookings at Way Out West). But I just found out about the one festival I would really, really like to attend - Popaganda in Stockholm (in August as well - what is it with this month and concerts??) - and am sooo bitter that I will miss out. MGMT, Lykke Li, Anna Ternheim, Camera Obscura (that I've never listened to but would like to see because they're so pop-hyped) and most of all The Teenagers, the band that is my new crush!! And I can't go because I'll attend a wedding here in Göteborg, which of course I am looking forward to and all that (but)... Sniff!

...she stole my fucking Jazzmaster // this bitch deserves to die...

The Teenagers | Sunset Beach

Cosy

I love the rain! At least in summer, at night, raindrops drumming against the window sills or the umbrella. Walking home alone in the middle of the night never feels scary when it's raining. If nothing else, I could always defend myself with the umbrella... We've been taking walks in the evenings and with the rain everything feels wrapped in a cosy blanket.

Don't get me wrong: I still prefer the heat of summer but when temperature drops beneath 25 degrees Celsius and the sun hides, it might as well rain as just being cloudy.

Next week we're leaving for Stockholm though and then I hope the weather will be more agreeable to tourism. We're making a road trip with the car (still no name suggestions) to visit friends and family. I'm sure I'll buy something silly and expensive but that's what vacation stands for.

The Teenagers | Homecoming

P.S. The picture was taken by Silent Shot and is used with a Creative Commons license.

A challenge

So, here I am. Tuesday before lunch. I've had a look at the thesis as it is so far and concluded what I need to do next. And this knot has formed in my stomach, I can't help it. I get nervous just from looking at what I've written and realizing how much there is left until I can hand in the goddamn thing.

In case you didn't know by now: I was very unlucky (even haunted) with my supervisor. The first was terribly unhelpful on the verge of mean, and I didn't have proper supervision with my real supervisor until week six of the thesis-writing. This meant that I wrote the whole thing on my own and felt very, very lost. So in the middle of May I was having a breakdown and decided, with help from my therapist, to let go of the whole thing in order to keep my sanity. The down-side is of course me having to do this in Summer if I want to have a shot at starting a master's programme in September. There is no plan B: I have no idea what to do if I'm not accepted into that programme.

Nina Hemmingson really is fantastic!

Icecream and drinks!

Yesterday we ate lots of icecream (and the winner is this summer-fresh kind)and drank scandalously colourful drinks with a few friends. Then we went out to fraternize with the cool boys & girls at Club Social. (And for the zillionth time I envied all the extremely tanned people - how many hours have they spent in the sun, honestly?? Is it possible to make a skin transplantation to look like them or will I simply have to hide inside until October?) We danced to Billie Jean (by Mr Michael, R.I.P.) and posed like everyone else.





Also, I've been working this weekend as always. The customers are always a treat no matter if they're cute, posh or angry - they give us something to talk about all the time. Tomorrow is the last day until Saturday though; I'm really looking forward to four days free. Although what I really should do is write on my thesis. We'll see how it goes...

Easy Friday

I was out with Chilli (my workplace) yesterday. Great food and free alcohol - damn, it's a trick! Lucky me that it was on a Thursday and not tonight, because then anything could have happened. I smoked way to many cigarettes to my colleagues' surprise. As one of them put it: "I didn't think vegetarians smoked". Hah. If only you knew.

Anyway, today is the last of my free days for eh, three days because I'm working this weekend. Actually I work every weekend 'til the middle of August. Isn't that great? At least my working-Monday-through-Friday man seems to think so...

My biggest problem is that I haven't made it to the gym in a while because of the blessed heat. It's too sweaty just to imagine myself on the gym floor. So no exercise this week (except maybe we're going out dancing tomorrow night).

Now I'm soon off to see Malena for a while!

P.S. Here's a brand new portrait of me that I shot yesterday before going out!

Lessons learnt

A fire, a fire, you can only take what you can carry
A pulse, your pulse, it's the only thing I can remember
I break, you don't, I was always set to self destruct though

It's summer. I've had a really rough ride this spring and the future is very uncertain. But at least I've figured two things out:

Number 1: love isn't a constant but if there is anyone I love, it's him. Even when it's hard and even when we fight and even when I hate everything. He doesn't leave me, he understands me and he takes care of me. And, he takes the lead when I can't. He wants to go to Belize with me. I want to take him to Tanzania and Fiji and Indonesia. He'll move with me to Stockholm if I go. He'll come to New York if I ever move there.

Number 2: it's better to be up-front and honest about the messiness than try to shield it from people. I really applied this principle this time and I got so much love and support from friends near and far. Thanks a lot - I love you grrls!


Snow Patrol | If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It